Tuesday, November 27, 2007

भ्रमभंग

लेकिन एक दिन उसने एक निर्णय लिया और पिछले सब कुछ को छितर-बितर कर दिया। मैनें देखा और एक क्षण के लिये सहम गया। उसके निर्णय पर कोई भी सहम जाता। फिर कुछ समय बीत जाने पर एक दिन उसके पास बैठ कर मैनें शान्त भाव से पूछा,"यह तुमने क्या कर दिया चन्दन...?

उसने भी उतनी ही शान्ति के साथ जवाब दिया - "एक क्षण आता है देवेश, जब निर्णय लेना ही होता है। चाहे वह कितना भी कठिन क्यों ना हो। असमंजस के बीच जीवन नहीं जिया जाता...!"


भ्रमभंग

आत्मकथन

देवेश ठाकुर


मैं इस कहानी का चन्दन हूँ जिसने एक दिन एक निर्णय लिया और पिछले सब कुछ को छितर-बितर कर दिया।


I have always been wary of taking decisions, especially where others have stakes or concerns - 'what if something goes wrong? what if it hurts anybody? what if the other one wants it the other way?' Not that I never took decisions but I always preferred to think through and a bit longer (often irritatingly too long to be noted as 'a bit') than it should be. Further, I also almost always accepted what others had decided for themselves and even for myself - again just because it makes the other one happy and I always liked to respect others' opinion than thursting mine on theirs.

And ironically, I never realized when this respect and concern for others' decisions got the better of me - I just forgot that I can decide. I became impotent of settling matters. I started evading decisions, even if I am not fine with that - the respect and concerns, all got submerged into a submissive timidity and I followed what others decided for me. Even more ironically, I persisted on thinking that this is out of my concern for them and not out of my impotence as a decision maker. This not only costed me heavily in the form of confusions and sufferings but also irritated my most near and dear ones as well for this evasive and submissive attitude.

But then, as they say, wisdom dawned upon me. I realized that this is not concern anymore - this is cowardice, pure evasive cowardice. This is my life and if anybody can decide for it - right or wrong, good or bad - that one should be me. And I have to face the music for my own decisions, I have to face the repercussions of whatever I decide, and I have to stand up to whatever I deserve. This is for the good of not only me but also those who are close to me and matter to me. And I have already taken a decision that has affected many and has cleared a lot of fog from many lives, including yours truly.

After this enlightenment, I felt really ashamed of my cowardice and idiocy and wanted to confess. I hope all who endured me with all my idiocies and idiosyncrasies so far would forgive me and just keep loving me (or hating me) as they always have had.

1 comment:

Designing the sails o' life said...

whoa....this was a good one! In fact, one of your bests till date (ugh....here speaketh the judgemental me...as you've always said).But this sure is very well expressed.... :)

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