सब कुछ सीखा हमने, ना सीखी होशियारी

All children, except one, grow up. That one child is buried deep inside my soul. I miss him a lot. Like Jaun Eliya says:

साल दर साल, और इक लम्हा

कोई भी तो न इनमें बल आया।

ख़ुद ही इक दर पे मैंने दस्तक दी,

ख़ुद ही लड़का सा मैं निकल आया।।

So that young chap does come out often, these days more so, as I keep talking to, who else but, myself. All it requires is a random trigger.

 Sometimes, that trigger is an online post about Lucknow, sometimes that trigger is a talk about architecture of school buildings, and sometimes it's a book on child psychology. I have done a lot of psychological analysis on my childhood, reasons of a lot of people's behaviours, insecurities, my responses, coping mechanisms, and a lot of bruises. Well, I don't think I have the power of writing all that without a nervous breakdown. So let it be! Coming back to triggers!

Today, it was Antakshari event under the "Hindi Diwas" at the institute. Our team won the first prize. And as I was enthusiastically discussing with chhoti didi all those possible songs that we could have sung, didi recalled a Mukesh song. 

I generally avoid listening to Mukesh - Raj Kapoor songs. They remind me too much of my Nanaji. I think, among all the elders of my family, I felt closest to him. He often sang Raj Kapoor songs to me, when I was 6 or 8 till about I graduated. Thereafter, his voice started shaking too much to sing. I talked to him a lot, learnt a lot from him a lot, and loved him a lot. He was not a great parent but tried being a good grandfather, to me at least. I wasn't there in Lucknow the day when he passed away. I had classes that morning when his last rites were performed. I didn't even feel the need to try to be there that day. In fact, I didn't even saw him in his final few years.

But since then, I have missed him often. I always remember his birthday although I don't remember his last day. Anyway, he remains one of those few, who gave me varied perspectives in life. Not all of those were in form of long talks. Some were simply a Mukesh - Raj Kapoor song. One of those is in the title of this post, but his forever favorite was:

आबाद नहीं, बरबाद सही

गाता हूँ खुशी के गीत मगर,

ज़ख्मों से भरा सीना है मेरा

हँसती है मगर ये मस्त नज़र

दुनिया मैं तेरे तीर का 

या तक़दीर का मारा हूँ

आवारा हूँ....