भीड़ में अकेला आदमी

You know, last night, I walked up to that favorite spot of mine on this campus. As always, i just stood there for a while, watching lights floating in the dark.

That spot is a narrow road between a cut-rock on a slight elevation. When you are on one side, you have no idea what lies on the other side. It fills me with a childish excitement, which I have forgotten long long ago. And then, the road opens on this slight elevation, where I can perch. I can perch in peace and keep looking at those lights of vehicles floating on that long and dark road. As those lights appear and vanish in darkness, it feels nice that at least someone is reaching their destination.

Yesterday, I recalled why I love this scenario so much. Because 20 years ago, Parimal and I would find a similar spot beside Gomti in Lucknow. We would sit on those stairs on the bank, watching those lights appearing and vanishing on the other end of Gomti. I loved that whole scene - flow of water, stillness of dark, briefly interrupted by some flickering lights, someone to talk to, someone to stay silent with.

I had a similar spot in Ahmedabad also, where I would stand for hours. In the new campus, at the 132-feet road end of the academic block. I would stand there and people keep rushing, running, driving to somewhere.

In all those places, what I loved was that crowd is away from me without any idea of my existence. And yet, I could have the choice of being with or away from the crowd. I dreamt of my house in the same way, on an isolated, remote place.

I used to say, for me - one is company, two is crowd. I never thought it would become so true that I would just want to be away from everyone and everything and everywhere. You know, no matter how much I am surrounded by crowds... I am always alone - that's my secret.