Monday, March 25, 2013

Those who love... and lose!

Though they never met, Frasier was a contemporary of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Well, Frasier was a TV show that was aired between 1993 and 2004. The protagonist, Dr. Frasier Crane, is a psychiatrist and so is his younger brother, Niles. The series was a situation comedy but throws some good light on dimensions of psychology at times. However, that is not why I am writing this here today. I'm on the 8th season now and a discussion between the two Crane brothers hit a chord somewhere. Here is the context and the conversation:

Context: Niles has loved and idolized Daphne, the physio and household help of Frasier, for over 7 years. Finally, she gets to know of his love for her and after a lot of slips, they are finally together. However, suddenly, Daphne starts over-eating and gaining pounds. Thereafter, she goes into a therapy, loses extra pounds, and tells Niles about her therapist. Niles jokes about the therapist because she said Daphne might have been afraid of this relationship.

And that is when, the following conversation takes place between Frasier and Niles (quoted from IMDb):

Niles: Help me understand. Why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty of is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done.

Frasier: Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love *with* her, you were in love *at* her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory.

Niles: No, that's not true.

Frasier: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds! And everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress.

[long pause]

Niles: Okay. If you're right, and that's a big "if", why would I do that?

Frasier: Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion.

Ain't it the same with most of us - we love an idolized image of the one, who lives in a different world - a world of perfection. And when the love culminates into marriage, what happens? The Utopia clashes with the hard reality. The fantasy ends and the reality begins. The loved one is in front of you all the time and they are not perfect any more. The idol is broken. Perhaps that is why more love-marriages fail than the arranged ones - there is no idol to begin with.

Those, who love and win, are lucky. Those, who love and lose, are luckiest.

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