Not really! But in the past few days, I thought of this line by Meursault a lot. The opening line of Camus' novel "L'Étranger" (The stranger; or, The outsider) translates to "mom died today".
Fortunately, that didn't happen with me. But my father had a harrowing experience. I arrived in Lucknow for a Diwali vacation and just out of airport, I was told that he has fallen into a delirium. He could not identify me, could not remember who he was, and his timeline of last 50 years was enmeshed badly. The details are, perhaps, unnecessary and unnecessarily painful. But the whole ordeal of two weeks amidst hospitals, doctors, tests, medicines, and worst of all - a parent not in physical and mental senses!
There were times when I felt so helpless and ineffectual, there were nights that were just passed staring in the abyss, and there were moments of extreme loneliness despite not being alone at any moment. One such moment was doing Diwali Puja alone. Papa did a very elaborate Puja, full of paraphernalia, stretched beyond my patience, and delayed my time for fireworks. I always felt like it should finish quick. Well, this year, I did finish it very quickly and early. And on that evening, I was wishing for all the delays he could have made - I didn't want to lead the Puja and finish quickly. I was fine with all the delays and without fireworks but that was not to be this time.
Anyhow, things have, hopefully, turned for good. I also learnt a few things about geriatric care, brain, physiology, neurology, medicine, and a lot of stuff I wish nobody has to learn the way I had to. Remembered a lot of things from Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End", a book about geriatric care which I read long ago and for no reason.
I know things will reach someday where Meursault was. I just wish to be there, in that moment, not alone, not helpless, and not the outsider!
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