Days of our lives

I find it really difficult to reconcile with my self. I think of myself as a disciplined disciplinarian but I am perhaps the laziest person I know. I am proud of my intelligence and range of knowledge but I am also the biggest idiot I have ever known. I think I am a sociopath, abhor most people, and think of myself as a loner - the Steppenwolf! And yet, I have had so many friends that every calendar day feels like it is special for some reason, with some friend - a birthday, a memory, a proposal, a breakup, a sweet moment, a bitter fight, a patch up, and what not!! 

Like today only, talking to Didi, I mentioned 8th November and recalled what a special day it is. In fact, November is probably the most eventful month with everything listed above. I could have celebrated today also, if only life went as per plans and I was in Indore. Then there is October - my own birthday, that of closest friends, silent crushes, and many firsts! July is also very special - with the most beloved birthdays and most bittersweet moments. 

And perhaps, every other month also - December, March, June, February, May.... Just that all that remains there is a few memories of a few moments with a few mortals... and at the end, all I have is this line:

कुछ दोस्तों से वैसे मरासिम नहीं रहे...

Aujourd'hui, Maman est morte!

Not really! But in the past few days, I thought of this line by Meursault a lot. The opening line of Camus' novel "L'Étranger" (The stranger; or, The outsider) translates to "mom died today".

Fortunately, that didn't happen with me. But my father had a harrowing experience. I arrived in Lucknow for a Diwali vacation and just out of airport, I was told that he has fallen into a delirium. He could not identify me, could not remember who he was, and his timeline of last 50 years was enmeshed badly. The details are, perhaps, unnecessary and unnecessarily painful. But the whole ordeal of two weeks amidst hospitals, doctors, tests, medicines, and worst of all - a parent not in physical and mental senses! 

There were times when I felt so helpless and ineffectual, there were nights that were just passed staring in the abyss, and there were moments of extreme loneliness despite not being alone at any moment. One such moment was doing Diwali Puja alone. Papa did a very elaborate Puja, full of paraphernalia, stretched beyond my patience, and delayed my time for fireworks. I always felt like it should finish quick. Well, this year, I did finish it very quickly and early. And on that evening, I was wishing for all the delays he could have made - I didn't want to lead the Puja and finish quickly. I was fine with all the delays and without fireworks but that was not to be this time.

Anyhow, things have, hopefully, turned for good. I also learnt a few things about geriatric care, brain, physiology, neurology, medicine, and a lot of stuff I wish nobody has to learn the way I had to. Remembered a lot of things from Atul Gawande's "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End", a book about geriatric care which I read long ago and for no reason. 

I know things will reach someday where Meursault was. I just wish to be there, in that moment, not alone, not helpless, and not the outsider!