हमनशीं साँस फूल जाती है

Long long ago, I used to read and follow a lot of random things. Those included the history and development and news and updates of so many diverse fields, like physics and technology, evolution and environment, poetry and photography, economics and politics, sports and movies, culture and literature and wars and travelogues and what not... 

Then, one fine day, I decided to give up. I decided to concentrate on economics and current affairs only. I consciously stopped following technology and sports and literature and music and wars and maths and psychology and what not! 

Whether I could have continued all that or not, I don't know. Whether that was a good decision or not, I don't know. Whether I regret that or not, I don't know. All I know is that it's another night, where I had decided to sleep early and wake up early and be more disciplined. All I know is that it's another night, where I've been reading my old blogposts for over an hour. All I know is that it's another night, where I thought of listening to Leonard Cohen, watching Ijaazat, eating maggi, taking a walk, recording some poems, and not doing any of it! And that's only so far. 

I've been, as always, writing a lot of poems and posts in my head lately... I've been talking a lot more to myself lately... I've been trying to remain sane and not suicidal a lot lately. I've been realising this, what Jaun Eliya wrote, a lot lately:

आप अपने से हमसुख़न रहना

हमनशीं साँस फूल जाती है ! 

That is my kind of love, I guess!

There would be hundreds of songs that you love. There are hundreds of songs that I love. Albeit all those are loved for different reasons. Many of those are old classics and hence, melodiously lovable. Many remind of some special phase of life or some event or some special day. Many are loved for the special person's memories or associations. I have all those categories of loved songs. All those songs get played or hummed when that particular reason to love that song reappears in life, in thoughts, in memories.

However, there is one special category, which is special because they are the love songs of emptiness, of loss, of loneliness. That is my kind of love, I guess! These are lovable love songs because there is no hope, no craving, no longing.... just some emotions, some faded memories, and an acceptance of loss. That is my kind of love, I guess!

These are the love songs that can be heard when there is no thought in the mind. These are the love songs that can be heard when all the thoughts rush back to your mind. Just listing some such songs here, in no particular order (with youtube links) and maybe, with a few favorite lines from the song too. Also, these are somewhat recent songs and I have not taken the old classics here on purpose.

Jhonka Hawa ka - Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (link)

इक इक मेरी बातें तुमको, याद तो आती होगी ना
क्या तुम मेरे इन सब सवालों का कुछ तो जवाब दोगी ना ...

Jab Nahin Aaye The Tum - Dev (link)

जब नहीं आये थे तुम तब भी मेरे साथ थे तुम ...


Maana ke Hum Yaar Nahin - Meri Pyari Bindu (link)

नज़रों से ना करना तुम बयाँ वो जिससे इनकार नहीं ...

फूल जो बंद है पन्नो में तुम उनको धूल बना देना
बात छिड़े जो मेरी कहीं तुम उसको भूल बता देना
लेकिन वो भूल हो ऐसी जिससे बेज़ार नहीं ...


Zehnaseeb - Hasee to Phasee (link)

तेरे संग जो न बीते उसपे ऐतराज़ है
इस क़दर हम दोनों का मिलना
एक राज़ है

लेना-देना नहीं दुनिया से मेरा बस तुझ से काम है

होना लिखा था यूँ ही जो हुआ
या होते होते अभी
अनजाने में हो गया
जो भी हुआ, हुआ अजीब

तुझे चाहूं बेतहाशा जहनसीब


Darya - Manmarziyan (link)

तैनूं खुदा मन्या ते तैनूं रब मन्या
कोई नहीं भुलदा यारा जीवैं तू है भुल्या ...


Samjhawaan - Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya (link)

तू की जाने प्यार मेरा मैं करूं इंतज़ार तेरा
तू दिल तुईयों जान मेरी

वे चंगा नइओं कीता बीबा
दिल मेरा तोड़ के
वे बड़ा पछताय्याँ अख्खां
नाल तेरे जोड़ के

Well, there are a few more songs but for now, let it be... I want to save some to sing to you when we meet... if ever we meet.

10 is just a one and a zero

Today marks the completion of a decade with IIM Indore. It was technically my fourth vocation, third job, and second formal job but practically, it can be labeled as the first. Is it too early to look back? Or is it too late? Nonetheless, for someone who lives so much in nostalgia, it is rather strange that I have never looked back at my years at IIMI. Maybe there isn't much. Maybe there isn't much pleasant. Maybe there isn't much to miss. Well, maybe! Let me open this room of memories for once.

The city was sleepy and rustic, mostly beyond reach due to lack of even hyper-priced taxis. The service standards were even worse. After Ahmedabad's luxury of home delivery and punctuality, Indore was a rude shock. Culturally, I was not expecting to meet Lucknow standards but well, let's say there were no standards to meet. So while city and life outside the campus was non-existent, the chances of an escape were even less because the flights and trains connectivity was non-existent.

So when I joined here, I was among the youngest lot, with not to great a difference with the age of students. In fact, many students would be of same or higher age. Particularly at MDPs (executive education for working managers) they were all much elder to me. Despite the apparent lack of authority due to age, I think I managed fine. Some of it was guts, some of it was foolhardiness, and a lot of it was sheer enthusiasm. I started with teaching PGP within a month of joining. In the very first year, I think I taught 3 major courses - Microeconomics, Business Research, and Trade & WTO. I taught many more courses in the years to come. A longish list would be too long but I can recall several variants of microeconomics, game theory, international trade, nature watch, Indian politico-economic history, and contemporary debates. In fact, I got to teach at several IIMs and even abroad.

But what was there beyond tons of classes? The so-called institution building activities? Those always turned into bitter bickering among the many seniors, leading to essentially randomly complicated and negative outcomes. In fact, when I joined here, it was a deadbeat campus. Too full of negative energy and too low on community feel. So pretty soon after joining, I started several activity forums. The first one was the nature walks, which were very enthusiastically joined by many. The second was a poetry club, which always remained small but had a loyal and strong support group. Next came a movie club with some screenings and talks. I also started a Vivekanand study circle. However, the last two didn't last long because of either lack of participation or lack of resources. I think I guided or advised or mentored (choose any word you may) many student activity clubs also - debate and literature and social work and nature club and god-knows-what! Nonetheless, the first two groups - nature walk and poetry - remained my signature for many years before I stopped myself. And why did I? Well...!

So when I was the over-enthusiastic always available extra-curricular God of everything faculty member, I was asked to do a lot many administrative jobs as well. Some small time committees, some coordination, and many big pain-in-the-wrong-places profiles, like hostel warden and so on. As an honest admission and in hindsight, I realize my mistake now. I think was too trusting for a selfish bunch, too eccentric for a bureaucratic structure, and too naive for a conniving system. I had frequent run-ins with the authorities, too many trust issues with students, and frequent tussles with the bureaucracy of the place. I gradually grew unwilling to engage with people, particularly when it could be avoided. I trimmed my portfolio of course offerings, stopped extra-curricular activities, and gave up on administrative roles. My final realization was that I am not a political person and I would drastically fail in diplomacy.

Nonetheless, I am not cribbing. I am happy. Because in the process, I made some good friends, some real good enemies too. While a lot many people left their good or bad imprints on my life, I know I changed at least some lives for good. And to me at least, that is what makes my career choice worthwhile. I am not sure how long will I be here, how long will I remain in the career choice, and given the pandemic, how long will all this world or me in this world would last. But as I complete a decade with mixed feelings - some happiness, some smiles, some gratitude, some complaints, some regrets, and some memories... I am not sure where I stand or where I go from here! It's like those lines from a favorite poem:

न ज़िन्दगी विमुक्त है न मृत्यु का कसाव है 

कहाँ पे आ गए हैं हम ये कौन सा पड़ाव है 

न हास है न रोष है, न रिक्तता न कोष है

असत्य है न सत्य है, विशिष्ट द्वैतभाव है