Living and Loving it

Since after accident two weeks ago, I am lying in bed first at home and then in hostel - reading books and watching movies. Frankly, this is the kind of Life I always wanted - not by the way of an accident of course but this is for what I had decided some five years ago to get out of the business and started thinking of other career options.
Though haven't got any such laid back time since I left business, for initially It was coaching, then teaching, and then course work but now, post-qualifier before result period is such where I am free to do whatsoever I want. Although I got a brief spell of reading during the year when I was back at home, having an academic nil year. But even then I was not so free for I was teaching and also, God was playing dices. Not that that is not the case now - God has always played dices and in my case, usually he has thrown them all in the most unexpected and unfathomable places.
Soon I'll be beginning with my thesis work and then again, this all will come to a halt till, God knows, when. Meanwhile, I must enjoy blogging, Orkutting, Writing, watching movies, and reading books.
Life is livable and lovable for the time being. And I am loving it :)

Dreams...

Just watched Peter Pan...n^th time :)
And I am thinking of my dreams, my fantasies, my wishes.... and smiling!!

I want to fly like Peter Pan. I want a healing touch like Jesus. I want to read everybody's mind. I want time-travel to correct all that is wrong. I want to be invisible and beat the hell out of all those I don't like. I have many more fantasies, like - having an 'Akshaya-Paatra' with which I'll remove all the scarcity of food and water in this world. And there are many more... I know the child in me is really imaginative.

And to add to these supernatural powers, I want some very general ones too. Like - I want to play flute, learn at least 2-3 more languages, singing, dancing, writing, brains, knowledge, energy, looks, and a lot more. I know my vocal chords are as good as my foot-steps, i.e. - heavily out of tune. But still, I sing a lot and I dance whenever I get a chance. Because I sing or dance not for others, not for applause; but just because I enjoy it, but what's the harm if I can do some magic :D

And I dream of a meeting all my old and new friends (and teachers too) - with the same warmth which we once shared and have fun with them and re-live those good old days - yesterday once more. I love being nostalgic, like I was yesterday while scanning my childhood and graduation pictures.

I know I want too much. Everybody does.
I know this day is also gonna disappoint me. Everyday does.
I know I will dream the same dreams again tomorrow. Everyday I do.
I know I will fight back again next time. Every time I do.

Tomorrow will be a new day :)

Confessions of a dead poet

For the past few years, I am rendered poetically handicapped. This doesn’t mean I cannot write at all or I’ve not been writing…but I don’t seem to be able to write spontaneously or at least to my satisfaction. Why is that??

Sitting in the National museum last week, I was pondering about this precisely. Is that so that Life has drained of all its sweets?? or is it that thoughts have decided to escape my imagination (udte rahte hain titliyon ki tarah, lafz kaagaz pe baithte hi nahin…)?? May be, I have become too structured in thought and imagination…may be I have lost my inspirations( bakaul Ghalib, thee wo ik shakhs ke tasavvur se, ab wo ranaaee-e-khayal kahan), may be that divine flame is burnt to ashes now, or may be I’ve just exhausted my quota of creativity.

Thinking of those good old days, when I used to get up at half past night, at two or three in the morning and start scrapping something in a rough, crumbled paper in the dim light of the night bulb…when even a single word or thought was enough for me to write a good composition…or even, when my friends used to give me situations, and some of them even dared to bet with others on my poetical abilities….. ahhh…Life…or something like that… seems well past me!!

I had written about personal grief but never about happiness, about parting but never reunion, about death but seldom about Life, about losing but about winning in only a passing reference. I am not a pessimist; in fact, As Anand sir used to say – I am a long term optimist. Then why this sad intonation in poetry??

Actually, I love the eternal. I love immortality.
Life is a blink, a momentary existence in between a constant non-existence. And I love turning the things upside down…that’s why I sing for the beauty of Life in my poetry…but then, turning that upside down – craving for the eternal, moving from momentary to the eternal, I denounce the shallowness and hollowness of Life… That’s why I seem a narcissist in my poetry, conquering everyone and everything and then, at the end of it – it’s all hollow. I lose.

God...

I was reading the other day "Laughable Loves" by Milan Kundera. The book is a collection of seven stories by the Czech-Franco author. The last story - Eduard and God - is a seemingly simple story of a young man, flirting and trying to impress a girl in the communist republic. The problem is that the girl believes in God and the authority doesn't. The boy has actually never thought about God and is trying to persuade both the sides about either his beliefs or the lack of it. In the process, he puts forth very interesting arguments and insights. Although he is joyously confused about God and his existence or absence, but I can certainly identify with him.
He says, "It would be better if God didn't exist. But what can I do when here, deep down... I feel that he does exist." and one of his musings about Life was - "If I did not believe that I am living for something more than just my own Life, I probably couldn't live at all." sounds like I'm listening to my own.
In fact, I am confused not only about God but also about almost everything. That is why I liked most the idea of Douglas Adams in "The Hitch hiker's guide to the Galaxy" where God disappears in a whiff by proving his own existence. That was really neat. And also the title of a universal best-seller - "Who is this God Person Anyway?".

Not that I am atheist, agnostic, or devout - I am just confused about God - what is his form and feature, why is he the way he is, and why is he not the way he is not...and so on!!

concluding with a quote that really questions God, even if he exists:

"Man made booze, God made grass. Whom do you trust?"

P.S. - I have used God with masculine words only but I stick to my opinion (and the confusion therein), even if the God is a woman.