मैं मरूँगा नहीं

ज़िन्दगी और मौत ऊपर वाले के हाथ में हैं जहाँपनाह और उसे न आप बदल सकते हैं और न मैं। 

When Rajesh Khanna said these immortal lines in Anand, you know... He was talking about me too. And today, I rewrote his monologue in my life. 

Today, I sorted some 2 GB or about 500 photographs, I planned some travel, I booked some tickets, i took a long walk, I picked up a new book to read, i enjoyed a large peg, and I wrote two poems. One of which was anchored on the line and the thought - मैं मरूँगा नहीं।

I refuse to die. I choose to be happy. I reject your world. I survive your backstabbing. I am an idea whom you can't kill. मैं मरूँगा नहीं। 

He never knew that

Remember I told you those four things, without which, I once said, I would not be able to live? I would not be me anymore? Well, I know you don't. It's okay. Even I have forgotten me a lot. 

So those four things were - writing, reading, traveling, and photography! And you know what? It took me so long to forego and forget. But I finally did. Writing was anyway becoming rare and is totally over now. Traveling - I did some recently after a long pandemic-induced hiatus and found myself utterly withdrawn from the world. My traveling shoes are also tired now. Photography - well, that is over at multiple levels and for multiple reasons. And reading? The 6 bookshelves full and several devices may not reveal that but I don't read anymore. I mean I do but not books. Yes, perhaps from any random place. Like the other day, I was traveling in Gujarat and in a restaurant, I read this. 

In that moment, I realized - I was always so homeless and never even knew that.