हमनशीं साँस फूल जाती है

Long long ago, I used to read and follow a lot of random things. Those included the history and development and news and updates of so many diverse fields, like physics and technology, evolution and environment, poetry and photography, economics and politics, sports and movies, culture and literature and wars and travelogues and what not... 

Then, one fine day, I decided to give up. I decided to concentrate on economics and current affairs only. I consciously stopped following technology and sports and literature and music and wars and maths and psychology and what not! 

Whether I could have continued all that or not, I don't know. Whether that was a good decision or not, I don't know. Whether I regret that or not, I don't know. All I know is that it's another night, where I had decided to sleep early and wake up early and be more disciplined. All I know is that it's another night, where I've been reading my old blogposts for over an hour. All I know is that it's another night, where I thought of listening to Leonard Cohen, watching Ijaazat, eating maggi, taking a walk, recording some poems, and not doing any of it! And that's only so far. 

I've been, as always, writing a lot of poems and posts in my head lately... I've been talking a lot more to myself lately... I've been trying to remain sane and not suicidal a lot lately. I've been realising this, what Jaun Eliya wrote, a lot lately:

आप अपने से हमसुख़न रहना

हमनशीं साँस फूल जाती है ! 

That is my kind of love, I guess!

There would be hundreds of songs that you love. There are hundreds of songs that I love. Albeit all those are loved for different reasons. Many of those are old classics and hence, melodiously lovable. Many remind of some special phase of life or some event or some special day. Many are loved for the special person's memories or associations. I have all those categories of loved songs. All those songs get played or hummed when that particular reason to love that song reappears in life, in thoughts, in memories.

However, there is one special category, which is special because they are the love songs of emptiness, of loss, of loneliness. That is my kind of love, I guess! These are lovable love songs because there is no hope, no craving, no longing.... just some emotions, some faded memories, and an acceptance of loss. That is my kind of love, I guess!

These are the love songs that can be heard when there is no thought in the mind. These are the love songs that can be heard when all the thoughts rush back to your mind. Just listing some such songs here, in no particular order (with youtube links) and maybe, with a few favorite lines from the song too. Also, these are somewhat recent songs and I have not taken the old classics here on purpose.

Jhonka Hawa ka - Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (link)

इक इक मेरी बातें तुमको, याद तो आती होगी ना
क्या तुम मेरे इन सब सवालों का कुछ तो जवाब दोगी ना ...

Jab Nahin Aaye The Tum - Dev (link)

जब नहीं आये थे तुम तब भी मेरे साथ थे तुम ...


Maana ke Hum Yaar Nahin - Meri Pyari Bindu (link)

नज़रों से ना करना तुम बयाँ वो जिससे इनकार नहीं ...

फूल जो बंद है पन्नो में तुम उनको धूल बना देना
बात छिड़े जो मेरी कहीं तुम उसको भूल बता देना
लेकिन वो भूल हो ऐसी जिससे बेज़ार नहीं ...


Zehnaseeb - Hasee to Phasee (link)

तेरे संग जो न बीते उसपे ऐतराज़ है
इस क़दर हम दोनों का मिलना
एक राज़ है

लेना-देना नहीं दुनिया से मेरा बस तुझ से काम है

होना लिखा था यूँ ही जो हुआ
या होते होते अभी
अनजाने में हो गया
जो भी हुआ, हुआ अजीब

तुझे चाहूं बेतहाशा जहनसीब


Darya - Manmarziyan (link)

तैनूं खुदा मन्या ते तैनूं रब मन्या
कोई नहीं भुलदा यारा जीवैं तू है भुल्या ...


Samjhawaan - Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya (link)

तू की जाने प्यार मेरा मैं करूं इंतज़ार तेरा
तू दिल तुईयों जान मेरी

वे चंगा नइओं कीता बीबा
दिल मेरा तोड़ के
वे बड़ा पछताय्याँ अख्खां
नाल तेरे जोड़ के

Well, there are a few more songs but for now, let it be... I want to save some to sing to you when we meet... if ever we meet.

10 is just a one and a zero

Today marks the completion of a decade with IIM Indore. It was technically my fourth vocation, third job, and second formal job but practically, it can be labeled as the first. Is it too early to look back? Or is it too late? Nonetheless, for someone who lives so much in nostalgia, it is rather strange that I have never looked back at my years at IIMI. Maybe there isn't much. Maybe there isn't much pleasant. Maybe there isn't much to miss. Well, maybe! Let me open this room of memories for once.

The city was sleepy and rustic, mostly beyond reach due to lack of even hyper-priced taxis. The service standards were even worse. After Ahmedabad's luxury of home delivery and punctuality, Indore was a rude shock. Culturally, I was not expecting to meet Lucknow standards but well, let's say there were no standards to meet. So while city and life outside the campus was non-existent, the chances of an escape were even less because the flights and trains connectivity was non-existent.

So when I joined here, I was among the youngest lot, with not to great a difference with the age of students. In fact, many students would be of same or higher age. Particularly at MDPs (executive education for working managers) they were all much elder to me. Despite the apparent lack of authority due to age, I think I managed fine. Some of it was guts, some of it was foolhardiness, and a lot of it was sheer enthusiasm. I started with teaching PGP within a month of joining. In the very first year, I think I taught 3 major courses - Microeconomics, Business Research, and Trade & WTO. I taught many more courses in the years to come. A longish list would be too long but I can recall several variants of microeconomics, game theory, international trade, nature watch, Indian politico-economic history, and contemporary debates. In fact, I got to teach at several IIMs and even abroad.

But what was there beyond tons of classes? The so-called institution building activities? Those always turned into bitter bickering among the many seniors, leading to essentially randomly complicated and negative outcomes. In fact, when I joined here, it was a deadbeat campus. Too full of negative energy and too low on community feel. So pretty soon after joining, I started several activity forums. The first one was the nature walks, which were very enthusiastically joined by many. The second was a poetry club, which always remained small but had a loyal and strong support group. Next came a movie club with some screenings and talks. I also started a Vivekanand study circle. However, the last two didn't last long because of either lack of participation or lack of resources. I think I guided or advised or mentored (choose any word you may) many student activity clubs also - debate and literature and social work and nature club and god-knows-what! Nonetheless, the first two groups - nature walk and poetry - remained my signature for many years before I stopped myself. And why did I? Well...!

So when I was the over-enthusiastic always available extra-curricular God of everything faculty member, I was asked to do a lot many administrative jobs as well. Some small time committees, some coordination, and many big pain-in-the-wrong-places profiles, like hostel warden and so on. As an honest admission and in hindsight, I realize my mistake now. I think was too trusting for a selfish bunch, too eccentric for a bureaucratic structure, and too naive for a conniving system. I had frequent run-ins with the authorities, too many trust issues with students, and frequent tussles with the bureaucracy of the place. I gradually grew unwilling to engage with people, particularly when it could be avoided. I trimmed my portfolio of course offerings, stopped extra-curricular activities, and gave up on administrative roles. My final realization was that I am not a political person and I would drastically fail in diplomacy.

Nonetheless, I am not cribbing. I am happy. Because in the process, I made some good friends, some real good enemies too. While a lot many people left their good or bad imprints on my life, I know I changed at least some lives for good. And to me at least, that is what makes my career choice worthwhile. I am not sure how long will I be here, how long will I remain in the career choice, and given the pandemic, how long will all this world or me in this world would last. But as I complete a decade with mixed feelings - some happiness, some smiles, some gratitude, some complaints, some regrets, and some memories... I am not sure where I stand or where I go from here! It's like those lines from a favorite poem:

न ज़िन्दगी विमुक्त है न मृत्यु का कसाव है 

कहाँ पे आ गए हैं हम ये कौन सा पड़ाव है 

न हास है न रोष है, न रिक्तता न कोष है

असत्य है न सत्य है, विशिष्ट द्वैतभाव है

To myself, 5 or 10 or 15 years ago

Someone asked me today if I could write a letter to myself of 5 years ago or 10 years ago, what would I tell me? Well, usually, I ignore such questions and forwards and mails with some amount of contempt and a ton of irritation. But today, I could not. Maybe because the question was posed with a great flare or maybe because I wanted to take a dip in that reflective nostalgia after a long while.

What I answered doesn't matter but I got thinking if I would live the same life all over again or would I caution myself in some ways? What would I tell and how? And what if that sets a ball rolling for a completely different destiny? Among so many what ifs, I did want to write to myself from 5 years ago and from 10 years ago and from 15 years ago.

I want to tell myself to study harder, more sincerely, more rigorously. I want to tell myself  to be more attentive in all those lectures, whether studying or teaching or attending. I want to tell myself to do more maths, read more history and psychology, and write more economics.

I would tell myself to be less social and less active in extracurricular spaces. To be more professional and less interacting with everyone. Less empathetic, less sympathetic. A bit more selfish. A lot more pragmatic. To teach a lot less. To publish a lot more.

I would also tell myself to wait. To have patience. To speak less. To listen more. To trust less. To think more. To not to rush in the relationships. And not to rush out of the relationships.

And I wonder then where would it leave me today? Would I find the love of my life the same way? Would I lose my life the same way? Would I still be writing this blog today? 

उसकी याद का आना उफ़्फ़

The best blogs are written when you miss her. 

The best blogs are written when you reminisce her.

The best blogs are written when you imagine what could have been.

The best blogs are written when you imagine what should have been.

The best blogs are written when you want to cry again. 

The best blogs are written when you want to try again.

The best blogs are written when you remember there is no way.

The best blogs are written when you remember how she told you to go away.

The best blogs are written when you are slightly drunk.

The best blogs are written when you are totally gunk.

Oh as the great Kaka once said - 

कौन कमबख़्त भूल जाने के लिए पीता है! मैं तो इसलिए पीता हूँ कि याद न आये।

Is it any wonder that the movie was titled Amar Prem?!!

Lockdown Days

So, my estimate is that in a month from now, we will start forgetting about the lockdown days. In a year's time, it will be hard to recall the details. So here is a reminder log for future reference. Wuhan in China started the spread of a Coronavirus, later renamed to COVID-19, in November 2019. However, because of Chinese slyness, they kept it hidden or kept misinforming till as late as February 2020. By March, the world was deep in the grip of the virus with massive death waves. India started social distancing by early March and we had a Janta Curfew on Sunday 22 March. Two days later, a nationwide lockdown started, which is supposed to last till April 14. As I write this on March 31, nobody is sure if the nationwide lockdown will continue or not. India's record was progressing well till two days ago and then, 2500 islamic pigs from an event in Delhi were caught, spreading virus all over the country.

So how has it been for me at a personal level? Social distancing? General Shutdown? Economic Slowdown? Well, almost insignificant. One great thing about being on campus is that I can step out from home a little and walk up to the office, as it is all personal space only. Barely anyone is seen in the academic block these days and definitely, no one comes to the office. I like both these things. The only problem is that cleaning and canteen are also off. So getting water or cleaning is a problem. The bigger trouble is to get any tea in the office, although electronic kettle has solved that problem modestly. 

Social distancing-wise, since it is prohibited to step out of campus, it is even better. Because let's face it - where would one go in Indore? Going to anyone's home is also off-limits because everyone is a bit germophobe these days. For a social introvert and hypochondriac germophobe like me, it is like a silent wish granted although not in a desirable way. Yes, it has been a little difficult getting all the supplies - milk, groceries, vegetables, and medicines. But that is the advantage of being on campus. The administration has been hyperactive, hyper-cautious, and hyper-sensitive, often being more strict than the government (and yet, it feels good and safe). So all in all, at just a little extra price and inconvenience, everything has been made available somehow. 

What about the nation and the economy? It is a sad state of affairs, particularly for people with thin resources. However, for economists, there is a treasure trove of research topics that has just been opened. So there are more talking points and data points and consulting points, obviously only after the lockdown is successfully lifted. You know, what is a great tragedy for everyone, is a matter of research for scholars. Not in good spirit or desirable way though but overall, this lockdown has been a pretty good experience for everyone to sit back at home, reflect, and realize what really matters in life.

And for me, although I am not complaining, I hope these testing days are over soon. Hoping that the nation bounces back to greater strength soon and what we get to the normal days without forgetting we have learned in these days of solitude. 

Yesterday, DCH !

Yesterday, I had a harrowing experience. In the morning, after brushing my teeth, as I bent down to wash my face, I heard a sudden crack sound somewhere in my neck and the whole world went blank. I could barely manage not collapsing, somehow reached the bed and had to lie down for a while. I thought it would be over soon but when it got difficult getting up, I realized I need to gather more strength.

I somehow took a quick bath and dragged myself to the medical center. The doctor was more optimistic than I could afford at the moment. Anyhow, I reached my office by the institute ambulance and took a quick breakfast so that I can take the medicines the doctor gave me. After all, I had to take a 9 am class. I usually abstain from doing more than two impossible things before breakfast but this was some day.

And the ordeal is not over yet. But I don't want to bore you more with the bad stuff. Here is something good that came out of the whole terrible episode (wow for my positivity... and you thought I am optimist only in the long run). After the class, I had a warm sleep (warm because there was a hot water bag below my shoulder blade). And while eating lunch, I surfed and surfed and then, surfed some more to finally land upon an old old old movie - Dil Chahta Hai.

I thought I would watch it for 10 minutes or so until I finish my meal. But the nostalgia grabbed me for more. You see, DCH (as we called it fashionably back then) came in 2001. August 2001. When we were undergraduates. When Goa was a distant land. When those songs were our story. When life was full of dreams. When the artistic and serious Sid was real. When the flirty and confused Sameer was everywhere. When the prankster and perverted Aakash was around. And many more - Deepa, Tara, Rohit, Shalini, Pooja, Priya, Subodh.... they all were real. All were us. We were all of them.

Some names didn't mean anything back then. Yesterday they meant a lot different. Some ideas seemed strange back then. Yesterday they were a lot more understandable. Some events were really unexplainable back then. Yesterday there was no need to explain anything for a lot of that was lived through.

Yesterday, DCH was still our story.
Yesterday, the past was all alive.
Yesterday, I missed the yesteryears.