कहा था ना ...

 कहा था ना - मैं मरूँगा नहीं! 

So sample these - It is only me who is holding back myself, not you. The moment I decide, I can compose beautiful poems. The moment I decide, I can click wonderful birds. The moment I decide, I can change lives for good. The moment I decide, I can ...!

जब भी चाहेंगे ज़माने को बदल डालेंगे, 

सिर्फ कहने के लिए बात बड़ी है यारों 

उसकी ऑंखों ने झूठ बोला था

You know how, there are times when you idolize someone and then... you don't! Well, I've been that fallen idol and I have had a few as well. 

Driving to my office today, a Gulzar song was playing these lines:

लिखते रहे हैं तुम्हें रोज़ ये मगर,

ख्वाहिशों के ख़त कभी भेजे ही नहीं....

I felt that. 

You know how, there are times when you idolize someone and then... you don't! Gulzar is one such fallen idol for me. Although I still like a few scattered lines and thoughts by him here or there, mostly I feel like resenting. And how do you resent to a fallen idol? By a retort perhaps. Like it happened the other day, I read a couplet by Gulzar:

ऑंखें थीं जो कह गईं सब कुछ,

लफ्ज़ होते तो मुकर गए होते। 

and retorted as follows:

उसकी बातों का गिला क्या करते,

उसकी ऑंखों ने झूठ बोला था। 

The year of Brutus

As the year dies, I decided to have an evening that would put some make up on the wound that the year has left.

I sat in the balcony with my camera and a book. I finished a bottle of wine. I imagined my utopian worlds again. I reminisced your touch again. I heard my favorite voices again - of Regan, of AB Vajpayee, of Kishore Kumar, of birds, of yours, of mine.

It was a good ending to a terrible year, albeit a week too early. As I lay in my bed, half drunk, half asleep, half hurting (for, you know by now, I'm more than one man)... the only thing still hurting is that knife. Can you please take it off my back now?!!

हाय ये तक न कहा मैंने कि "ब्रूटस, तुम भी?!!"

मेरे दिल में ये रहा दोस्ती बदनाम न हो।

बैठ कर देर तलक सुनता रहा ख़ामोशी,

इस इरादे से कि इसमें तेरा पैग़ाम न हो।।

After 20 years

There was this O. Henry story in our class 12 textbook, where two friends decided to meet at the same spot after 20 years. Inspired by that, I proposed to some close friends to meet again. At that time, 20 years seemed too long, so I proposed a date of 14 years later for all of us to meet. Thankfully that was immediately shot down by an importantly close friend because within 3-4 years, I did not want to meet almost any of those "friends".

I got reminded of that 20 years deal because tomorrow, it will be 20 years of a significant event. 20 years ago, a friend met an accident and the car causing that accident was badly thrashed by us, the university boys. While that accident was scary and unfortunate, that was also the beginning of a different bond for some of us. So important a bond that the main protagonists of that story got married eventually. 

And today, when I look back, those 20 years seem to just fly by. When I was 17, the period of 20 years seemed scarily long beyond a foreseeable time horizon. But now, 20 years seem a small time. It has been almost 20 years of that evening talk, which turned me from business to higher studies. It has been more than 20 years for some friendships. It has been more than 20 years since I saw Emma for the first time. It has been almost 20 years since I saw Emma for the last time. It has been almost 20 years of so many loves, crushes, flirts, romances, losses, breakups, betrayals... and what not! 

Some day, it will be 20 years of another love. Some day, it will be 20 years of another loss. Some day, it will be 20 years of another romance. Some day, it will be 20 years of another betrayal. Today, 20 years seem scarily long. And I don't want to go there anymore, where another 20 years seem a small time.

Exactly like 20 year ago, Jagjit Singh is singing Mirza Ghalib - 

क़ैद-ए-हयात-ओ-बंद-ए-ग़म  

अस्ल में दोनों एक हैं

मौत से पहले आदमी 

ग़म से निजात पाए क्यूँ 

दिल ही तो है न संग-ओ-ख़िश्त 

दर्द से भर न आए क्यूँ !

मैं मरूँगा नहीं

ज़िन्दगी और मौत ऊपर वाले के हाथ में हैं जहाँपनाह और उसे न आप बदल सकते हैं और न मैं। 

When Rajesh Khanna said these immortal lines in Anand, you know... He was talking about me too. And today, I rewrote his monologue in my life. 

Today, I sorted some 2 GB or about 500 photographs, I planned some travel, I booked some tickets, i took a long walk, I picked up a new book to read, i enjoyed a large peg, and I wrote two poems. One of which was anchored on the line and the thought - मैं मरूँगा नहीं।

I refuse to die. I choose to be happy. I reject your world. I survive your backstabbing. I am an idea whom you can't kill. मैं मरूँगा नहीं। 

He never knew that

Remember I told you those four things, without which, I once said, I would not be able to live? I would not be me anymore? Well, I know you don't. It's okay. Even I have forgotten me a lot. 

So those four things were - writing, reading, traveling, and photography! And you know what? It took me so long to forego and forget. But I finally did. Writing was anyway becoming rare and is totally over now. Traveling - I did some recently after a long pandemic-induced hiatus and found myself utterly withdrawn from the world. My traveling shoes are also tired now. Photography - well, that is over at multiple levels and for multiple reasons. And reading? The 6 bookshelves full and several devices may not reveal that but I don't read anymore. I mean I do but not books. Yes, perhaps from any random place. Like the other day, I was traveling in Gujarat and in a restaurant, I read this. 

In that moment, I realized - I was always so homeless and never even knew that.

Stressed no more

One thing I like in people (and by people, I mean myself) is the constant self (often critical) analysis. So I was watching myself doing a few things for a few days and I asked myself, why am I doing those things? 

As I have said earlier (like everything else, but well... I quote myself often and you know why!), I live in the past because most of my life is there. So I started taking a dip in the past to understand all the times when I did that and how... And I realised this.

How do I destress? Some people do it with music, some with shopping, some with food, and some with talking. I? I destress in four ways. Long back, when I sat in Papa's business, I often took long walks. Like really long walks. I walked for 2-3 hours at a time. That was when I discovered my first method of destressing. 

The second method of destressing was a little after that. That was the era of university days and the thoughts of future. That was when I started to write. I wrote diary. I wrote notes. I wrote poems. Writing was a great decongestor of thoughts and a great destress device for repeat readings also. Even today, one of my favorite things to do is to read my own old writings, right from blog to diary to facebook posts to random notes. 

The third method of destressing was cleaning. I cleaned my room, I cleaned the furniture and fan, I cleaned my almirah, and I cleaned my phone. Cleaning old numbers, old gifts, old memories, and what not - that did help. That does help. 

And today I discovered exercising as a destressor. I exercised. A lot. It helped in sweating myself so much that there was no space left for sweating over stress. And I just noted - I have used 3 out of the four destressors today. What was stressing me so much? Well...you know the secret of being a bore is to say everything!