It's better to burn out than to fade away.

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy."

Albert Camus in The Myth of Sisyphus

For quite sometime now, I have been pondering over it - Suicide. And Camus, as one of my favorite authors, has definitely obliged. But as always, Camus enlightened me with the questions and Hermann Hesse with insights. This is what he says in Steppenwolf -

"The suicide, and Harry was one, need not necessarily live in a peculiarly close relationship to death. One may do this without being a suicide. What is peculiar to the suicide is that... he is always exposed to an extraordinary risk, as though he stood with the slightest foothold on the peak of a crag whence a slight push from without or an instant's weakness from within suffices to precipitate him into the void.

For us they are suicides nonetheless; for they see death and not life as the releaser. They are ready to cast themselves away in surrender, to be extinguished and to go back to the beginning."

I do not feel like saying much - मैं कुछ कहता नहीं खुद से, कहीं कोई गलतफ़हमी न हो जाये!! Just that I am an optimist and I love life... or should it be a sentence in past tense? I have lived, I have lost, I have loved, I have lost, I have won, I have lost, and at the end of it all, I have lost. But then, I am not going to fade away... I will burn out... some day... some night!!!

In any case, Suicide -what a Goddamn silly thing to do. I wont even get to watch their faces - the face of those heartless destiny bitches. Dying is an art, like everything else and I do it exceptionally well, like everything else. And that is why, I die moment by moment... but elegantly and with a laugh, standing on the peak of the crag of life.

वो जो शायर था
बहकी-बहकी सी बातें करता था
चाँद से गिर के मर गया है वो
लोग कहते हैं ख़ुदकुशी की है

Seriously, is Life worth living, especially when it is without 'Life'??

P.S. - The title of this post is due to Neil Young, a Canadian singer - lyricist. This line is often mis-attributed to Curt Cobain, who used it in his suicide note.

The problem of reading too much

I, like almost everyone else, want and like to believe that my life is unique - the situations, the experiences, the struggles, the wins, the falls, and the memories - everything is uniquely mine. But then, there lies the problem with reading literature - I know that all my life has been lived many times before. In bits and pieces, somebody somewhere has been through all this and that is how one man's misery became another man's literature.

However, my problem is slightly bigger than just pieces of my life being in someone else's story. My problem is of reading too much of it. As a consequence, every time I face a situation, something or the other from some long forgotten piece of literature pops up inside my head and tells me how un-unique and clichéd my life is (and perhaps so is the life of all of us). Copying some pieces of the pieces of literature here, which I remember frequently and realize the problem of reading too much...

राम ने सीता को छोड़ा, कृष्ण ने राधा को, बुद्ध ने यशोधरा को, तो दुष्यन्त ने शकुन्तला को, नल ने दमयन्ती को और भतृहरि ने पिंगला को... इसलिए समर प्रभा को छोड़कर भागने के सांस्कृतिक अभिशाप की नियति से बँधा है। मुझे अक्सर आश्चर्य होता है कि हमारे यहाँ वे कहानियाँ क्यों महाकाव्यों का आधार नहीं बनीं, जहाँ मानवीय प्यार के लिये समाज से विद्रोह किया गया हो।

राजेन्द्र यादव, हंस

तुम ठीक ही कह रहे हो। 'टाइम इज़ द ग्रेटेस्ट हीलर।' असल में समय के साथ कुछ हद तक सब ठीक ही हो गया है। हम अपनी-अपनी दुनिया में हैं। पर हम पेड़ नहीं हैं कि इस पतझड़ के बाद फिर से वसंत आयेगा। बीता समय अंग-भंग की तरह है। उसकी क्षतिपूर्ति नहीं हो सकती। स्थितियों के साथ समझौता ही किया जा सकता है। अगर रहना है तो स्थितियों के मुताबिक ढलना होता है। अपनी कमी को स्वीकार करना होता है। अहं और आक्रामकता ज़िन्दगी नहीं है।

पंकज बिष्ट, उस गोलार्द्ध में

मैं मामूली आदमी नहीं हूँ। मैनें अपराध किये हैं, करता हूँ, झूठ बोलता हूँ, धोखा देता हूँ। सब करते हैं, सब बोलते हैं, सब देते हैं। पर वे अपराधी महसूस नहीं करते, मैं करता हूँ। समाज का अपराध-बोध मैं अपनी रगों में लिये भटक रहा हूँ।

मृदुला गर्ग, मैं और मैं

मैं सोचता बहुत था। यह मेरा स्वभाव बनता जा रहा था कि मैं जब कभी अकेला होता तो कुछ देर पहले घटित घटनाओं के बारे में सोचता रहता। हर कही-सुनी बात का एक-एक शब्द सोचता, पड़ताल करता। फिर अच्छी बातें एक कोने में बैठ जातीं और खराब बातें मकड़ी की भाँति टेंशन का जाला बुनकर मुझे फँसा लेतीं। यह सब सोचकर मुझे बहुत अच्छा लगता था। इस प्रकार सोचना मेरी खुराक थी। मैं रोटी बिना ज़िन्दा रह सकता हूँ पर सोच के बिना नहीं।

सिमरदीप सिंह, जटा शंकर

उसे लगा, उसके प्रेम के क्षण नितांत उसके अपने थे - ह्रदय में कहीं बहुत गहरे संजोकर रखे हुए। उन क्षणों को इस प्रकार उघाड़कर किसी के भी सामने रख देना उचित तो नहीं था। वह 'किसी' चाहे केतकी ही क्यूँ न हो। उसका वह प्रेम, चाहे असफ़ल ही सही, उसके लिये आज भी सम्मान की वस्तु था।

नरेन्द्र कोहली, प्रीति-कथा

And this is just a tip of the iceberg, as there are so many more pieces of my life that others have lived in fact and in fiction... and I am just collecting it... living life in bits and pieces!!

Two poems and a song

The task for you - connect these.
Hint - you cannot 'cause you are not sitting inside my head.

-------

This one was published in Lucknow Times circa 1999, written by Agnimitra. It remained a favorite for long. Today, whatever be the poetic value, I treasure this one especially for last few lines.

Who Knows?

You don't know love!
Who are you attached with?
Someone who has become ferocious
Struggling with time and life.
Someone who can now do all those things
That were beyond his own imagination once.
Someone who is broken now
In quest of a true and faithful heart
And hence, converted himself into a villain.
Someone who was once a noble person
And could've been a loving caring father
But God deprived him from a true touch of love
And he, therefor, is what he was destined to be.
Someone who cried countless times
Before God and God didn't hear.
Someone who tried several times
To smilebut cheat friends never let him.
Someone who has now caught a habit - a very bad one
Of ending everything that comes in his way.
Hence, beware dear! beware of me
'Cause I don't know myself
What'll be my next step and when?
May be it would be the sad demise
Of You and your love dear!
Who knows!

-------

This is a masterpiece by a maestro on Hindi literature and I don't know how many times I have read it in distressed times to gain strength and draw inspiration.

क्योंकि सपना है अभी भी / धर्मवीर भारती

...क्योंकि सपना है अभी भी

इसलिए तलवार टूटी अश्व घायल
कोहरे डूबी दिशाएं
कौन दुश्मन, कौन अपने लोग, सब कुछ धुंध धूमिल
किन्तु कायम युद्ध का संकल्प है अपना अभी भी
...क्योंकि सपना है अभी भी!

तोड़ कर अपने चतुर्दिक का छलावा
जब कि घर छोड़ा, गली छोड़ी, नगर छोड़ा
कुछ नहीं था पास बस इसके अलावा
विदा बेला, यही सपना भाल पर तुमने तिलक की तरह आँका था
(एक युग के बाद अब तुमको कहां याद होगा?)
किन्तु मुझको तो इसी के लिए जीना और लड़ना
है धधकती आग में तपना अभी भी
....क्योंकि सपना है अभी भी!

तुम नहीं हो, मैं अकेला हूँ मगर
वह तुम्ही हो जो
टूटती तलवार की झंकार में
या भीड़ की जयकार में
या मौत के सुनसान हाहाकार में
फिर गूंज जाती हो

और मुझको
ढाल छूटे, कवच टूटे हुए मुझको
फिर तड़प कर याद आता है कि
सब कुछ खो गया है - दिशाएं, पहचान, कुंडल,कवच
लेकिन शेष हूँ मैं, युद्धरत् मैं, तुम्हारा मैं
तुम्हारा अपना अभी भी

इसलिए, तलवार टूटी, अश्व घायल
कोहरे डूबी दिशाएं
कौन दुश्मन, कौन अपने लोग, सब कुछ धूंध धुमिल
किन्तु कायम युद्ध का संकल्प है अपना अभी भी
... क्योंकि सपना है अभी भी!


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And a song by my old favorite - Cliff Richard - quoting lyrics here (find video here)

We don't talk anymore

Used to think that life was sweet
Used to think we were so complete
I can't believe you'd throw it away

Used to feel we had it made
Used to feel we could sail away
Can you imagine how I feel today?

Well, it seems a long time ago you were the lonely one
Now it comes to letting go you are the only one
Do you know what you've done?

It's so funny how we don't talk anymore
It's so funny why we don't talk anymore
But I ain't losing sleep and I ain't counting sheep
It's so funny how we don't talk anymore

Well, it really doesn't matter to me
I guess your leaving was meant to be
It's down to you now you wanna be free
Well, I hope you know which way to go
You're on your own again
And don't come crying to me when you're the lonely one
Remember what you've done

It's so funny how we don't talk anymore
It's so funny why we don't talk anymore
But I ain't losing sleep and I ain't counting sheep
It's so funny how we don't talk anymore

It's so funny how we don't talk anymore

?? ?? ?? degrees of separation

"If a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, then everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on Earth."

- The rule of Six Degrees of Separation

Ironical... isn't it??

For some special folks in life, though there should be a separation of zero degrees only for they ought to be so close as they become one with you!!! And yet it becomes infinite degrees sometimes, for there remains no way of reaching out to them.

But then... The Life... she was never bound by any rules...!!

Say nothing!!

Saying thanks when you do not mean it is as frivolous as saying thanks when you do not mean it. Well, I guess there is nothing comparable to that - more or less, good or bad possible but nothing comparable.

We all take troubles for the ones we care for and we love, mostly without expecting anything in return. But what would you do when your child turns back and says - thanks for your trouble man! I mean, what would one do but smile and hug the child one more time. And what would one do if one comes to realize that the thanks was an emotional moment, or worse, unmeant?? Well, I guess one would smile and ... well, just smile - for there is no child to hug anymore!!

Life would have been so-so much better without words... better to say nothing than ... !!!

A place called memory

Weather in Indore is pretty awesome these days - occasional sprinkling, cool breeze almost all day, and even if sunny, it is not so hot. I have an office, quite a lot to do, and a lot of acquaintances too. But still, I often feel lonely... more than lonely, I feel an emptiness. This is Indore. This is Not Ahmedabad, or for that matter, Lucknow. I'd have loved to be in either of those two places as those are the second and first cities of my life.

And at the same time, I think it is good that I am not there, for I had to be in a memory-less place for a while. There is too much of past in those places... Ahmedabad has five years of memories and with that, bundles of love, joy, relationships, hate, and everything. Lucknow is obviously the place with everything I love in my life and also what I despise. And for that matter, even Pune, Mumbai, Kolkata, Delhi, Bangalore... all have a piece of me and a bundle of memories!!

Ironically, Indore is in center of all these cities and yet memory-less. For once, I want to shed all that is past and I want to move ahead in life freely... with no baggage at all. Ironically, yet again, albeit I am in Indore, I am in all those places too wherever the life has its imprints. For me, memory is a place and doesn't matter where I go, I always live there.

यादे-माज़ी अज़ाब है या रब
छीन ले मुझसे हाफ़िज़ा मेरा

Of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and friends

Strolling through my photo-folders today, I realized that the folder of friends has been on a decline over past sometime... I have lost so many of them and so many have lost me!! With some, the distances got in the way and with some, the closeness.

When I was on another journey away from home few days back, the in-flight video was playing episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and more than ever, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. made me so nostalgic and emotional. For this is one series I associate so closely with so many of my memories and events of life, especially the five treasure-worthy years at IIMA. There was no better way to make that journey away from home and so far away from friends.

Now whatever remains of memories of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and whosoever remains of friends are the nearest and dearest ones - the last few, whom times have not withered and tides have not sunken. I know that pretty soon, I will have less and less time for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. as well as for friends. But at some level, I realize that there is a space for F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and for friends, which is for them only... we may see gradually less of each other but the love I have for them... and the craving for their company and those moments of nostalgia, sweetness, and emotions... for all of them... can increase only!! Ohhh I love you so much my friends and F.R.I.E.N.D.S. :)