मैंने तो इक बार बुना था एक ही रिश्ता

I gave my thesis seminar today. This is one event that I we waited for so long, so patiently, with so many dreams, with so many aspirations...

and today, when I am finally there... I am there - alone. It feels so lonely, so empty, so useless...

I wish if there was a little more patience... a little more endurance... a little more trust...

Life was not meant to be the way it is... nothing was meant to be the way it is...!!!

मुझको भी तरकीब सिखा दो यार जुलाहे....

है जनम का जो ये रिश्ता तो...

I have already quit poetry - writing, this time - forever. I think I should stop writing as well - diary, blogs, lists - everything. I should also quit photography. And also sketching, reading, net-surfing, talking to people.

I am too coward to kill myself. May be that un-vented burden of emotions, that load of unexpressed feelings, and this regret of being would do the job... I hope sooner than later.

I was too brave to say it all in front of you... I was too coward to kill my 'self'... and now I am too coward to kill myself.

कोई ये कैसे बताये कि वो तन्हा क्यूँ है
वो जो अपना था वो ही और किसी का क्यूँ है
ये ही दुनिया तो फिर ऐसी ये दुनिया क्यूँ है
ये ही होता है तो आखिर ये ही होता क्यूँ है

The man who is an island

When I came to IIMA about four and a half years ago, I was not willing for a relationship at all. It is about four months before I leave this campus (with a degree, hopefully). Ironically, I am not willing for any marital bond again. The words 'ironically' and 'again' because in between these times that were a changin' and changin' at an amazing pace, I found 'The One'. But Life... it has a weird sense of humor. I experienced all that that inspires poetry in these few years and then I lost all that that inspires poetry in these few years....

All that what has not happened is also a part of history. All that I failed to live is also a part of my being. All that I lost is also a part of my belongings.

Sometimes, I feel suffocated. Sometimes, I feel free. Sometimes, I feel like running away. Sometimes, I feel like giving it a fight. The duality lives itself in me. I feel confused. I feel torn apart. I feel nothing. I feel everything. I feel like an island.

P.S. - One problem of reading too much literature is that everything real reminds of something fiction. While writing this post, I recalled and found this passage from my old diary-

"टाइम इज़ द ग्रेटेस्ट हीलर'। असल में समय के साथ सब कुछ ठीक ही हो गया है। हम अपनी - अपनी दुनिया में हैं। पर हम पेड़ नहीं हैं कि इस पतझड़ के बाद फिर वसंत आयेगा। बीता समय अंग-भंग की तरह है। उसकी क्षतिपूर्ति नहीं हो सकती। स्थितियों के साथ समझौता ही किया जा सकता है। अगर रहना है तो स्थितियों के मुताबिक ढलना होता है। अपनी कमी को स्वीकार करना होता है। अहं और आक्रामकता ज़िन्दगी नहीं है।

उस गोलार्ध में - पंकज बिष्ट (1992)

17 years and counting...

First task took 464 years. Already 17 gone, second and final act should come sooner.

you talkin' to me?

In my orkut scrapbook, there are scraps written to me... by me. why I write scraps to myself? Well, I like having something nice to read sometimes. And more than that, I like talkin' to interesting people. Somehow, I've never found anyone more interesting than him, who writes scraps to himself.

Thesis vs Blog

Writing thesis is a lot different from writing a blog.

People read the blog.

Had a presentation with my Thesis Advisory Committee (TAC) yesterday. Seems that for coming one month, I'll be away from all the 'extra-curricular' activities. Probably there won't be much blogging - priority has to be the thesis for a while.
Well... as dear Calvin says - there is never enough time to do all the nothing you want ;)