पुकारो मुझे नाम लेकर पुकारो...

So many names, each with a tale to tell, and so many memories with every name...

Family and links called me Manu, the first ever name. School-name was Siddharth, which, later on, changed to Siddhartha. At IIMA, the FPM batch called me Professor and the dorm-name was Narad, with a weird reasoning behind.

Friends called me Siddhu, when the cricketer was at his career's height; and they called me Sid, when Dil Chata Hai became a hit. Although I was writing as Sid for more than two years then and Kanhaiya Lal Nandan had already published an article 'Sid Maane Siddhartha' by then, the abbreviated name is now single-handedly attributed to the movie only.

Some friends named me Buddha (as in old man) and one even called me Buddha (as in Gautam Buddha). And there are a few, which were very person-specific, Like - Siddha, Sadoo, Chhotu, and a few more... I was even a Fariyal (Angel) once.

There are some embarrassing ones too, which was the precise purpose of using such names; like - Seenkia (Straw-like) and Mrignayani. And there are a few, which I never came to know; for example - if my students at ICC had given me a name, what foes called me, and of course, what my friends call me in my absence.

Many of these names would be lost in the tides of time and many more will come as moments go by. Somehow, I love all these names for they have become a part of my being...

So what would you call me today?!

Whatever happens, happens for Good.

In my life, it was the third time when I had to break away. Sometimes I feel like running back in time and hold every moment so close and so tight that I may never lose it. But if wishes were horses...

About the first two times, who, when, and why stands irrelevant now. Perhaps, soon the third's details will also become immaterial. Perhaps, I'll realize the same old truth once more - Whatever happens, happens for good. Perhaps, this loneliness and this melancholy will be short-lived. Or, perhaps.... NOT!

Yes, there are times when I feel too agitated within; there are times when I want to melt down; and there are times when I want to tell it all to the one concerned. But then, they are not there to listen - perhaps, they never were.

It is weird. It hurts to be in such a position. It feels good to be so free of obligations. It feels good to live as per my own wish. It hurts to be so far from the most precious wish.

But like every good and bad patch of life has taught me something, I believe, this one is also not going in vain. After all, whatever happens, happens for good...

I don't know where I am heading to and what I am doing! I have no idea why I am behaving the way I am behaving and I have no idea of things I've been babbling! I don't know what my next step would be and what mischief would I commit next!

Go away from me - don't try to be even a bystander. I don't know whom will I hurt next and I don't know what will I destroy next! May be, it will be your affection or your sympathy or your pity towards me - go away before I destroy it all. Go away before you also begin to hate me. Go away before I hate myself more for hurting you.

One, Two, Three, and Counting....

It's been three years since we came to join IIMA. I landed here on a hot Saturday afternoon of May 28, 2005. For one month, we had much fun and enjoyment in encountering so many new things at once. Those were the days of preparatory program - days of least work load possible at IIMA.

Soon after, the dream run was replaced by the first term. Although, in retrospect, even the first term is worth missing - those new friends, new campus, unknown knowledge frontiers, new understanding of known subjects, amazing professors, sleepless times, surprise quizzes, and never ending cases and readings. In between, we still managed some weekend parties, small outings, or just sitting around LKP and discussing nothing with the gravity of most intense thoughts. All of us were so busy in studies that we never got the time to realize how time is flying by.

First year ended, more or less, like this only - without giving us much time for stopping and thinking. And despite all the loads, grades, and frustrations, everything was great. I was growing beyond my imagination - not only mentally but also physically - mess food was too rich to digest by sitting on the study-table only. Nonetheless, the first year was over and to my surprise, I was still here. I always thought that I'm never going to make it through the first year. I had secretly decided that I will not leave IIMA by my own and let the authority kick me out. Fortunately that didn't happen even during the second year.

In second year, we had our area specific courses. In some of the FPM classes, there were barely 3-4 students. When the life got easier for our PGP batch-mates, it got much harder for most of the FPMs. Not only the workload was more, even the quality expected increased and evaluation became more intense. There were the days when I wished for a 50 hours day. Class duration was normally 2.5 to 3 hours and some days had 2-3 of them. With almost 6-8 hours of preparation for every class, my demand of 50 hours a day was not totally unjustified.

The real nightmarish time came with the fifth term, which faded the whole of the first year. I had max credit-load thus far and some courses were too critical and too time-consuming for me. I reminded myself of my old commitment - don't leave, let them kick you out. But like every good (and bad) thing, even the second year came to an end. What seemed like a relief was actually an even bigger headache - the Comprehensive Qualifier Exam or the CQE, which marks the end of the course-work. We had to qualify the CQE to begin our much awaited thesis work. It took us two months of intense preparation and three months of waiting for the result to know that we have successfully completed the course-work and now can proceed to even more hectic part of the program.

I was lucky enough, unlike most of my batch-mates, to find a guide ready with a thesis topic and willingness to work with me. So, for the first time, I was involved in what might be called as some serious research. The wisdom dawned soon - research needs much more than abilities. It needs loads of persistence, self-motivation, and a very high frustration-bearing capacity. I had given my Thesis Proposal Seminar on April 16, 2008 and before that, had earned some papers to my CV. Now I am trying to build a model and collect primary and secondary data, with the hope of being lucky with consistent and valid results.

This is pretty much the story of my academic journey of past three years at IIMA. I have at least one more year to go before I complete my thesis and I wish to complete it within that time. But there is a part of me that wishes to stay here forever, for these are the days that I am going to miss in the years to come. And no matter where I go or what I do, there will be a part of me that will stay here - forever - for this is the place, which has written one of the most beautiful chapters of my life....

Alas! I could never be your man!!!

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you.

If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man!

Ah, the moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please, please
I'm your man!

And if you've got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
I'm your man!

ALAS... I COULD NEVER BE YOUR MAN!!!

P.S. - Above is a song by Leonard Cohen. The title and the last line are not a part of the song and have been adapted from the title of a movie. And this juxtaposition does have a meaning.

Wear the old coat and buy the new book.

From a bookmark that I happened to pick from the payment counter of Crossword. Somewhere inside, it hit a chord and said so simply a thing that I always felt so deeply.

Post future...

And when you're old, you run out of hopes and dreams. You just know who you are going to be and what you are going to be. Most importantly, being young or being old has hardly anything to do with the age, the same way as being modern or being wise hasn't. Its not about how many years have you been on earth but how many years you have lived inside yourself.

I no longer think much about future. I, sort of, know that it is there and it is coming. What lies beyond the next curve of space and what may appear beyond the next twist of time. That is why I have started living in present, and sometimes, in past - because most of my life is there.

I know that I am not going to write poetry anymore. I know that I will be a professor. I know that I will never be able to join politics. I will never have company to tread the globe. I will have more money than will to spend and I will have more nights than sleep in my eyes. But perhaps there is a flair left of that ol'buddy. Perhaps that is why, despite knowing all this, I still crave to learn some more languages, watch some more movies, and to read some more books.

Well, I do not want to have any regrets, or should I say, any more regrets than I already have, when I leave this world. And I want to leave like a contented man, like a man with more life in his years than years in his life. And when I fly away, breaking the feeble chains of last worldly charms and last few chains of affection, I don't want to be followed by voices that may hold me back. I'd rather prefer, if someone could play Bob Dylan...

Meet me Jesus, meet me,
meet me in the middle of the air
If these wings should fail to me,
Lord, won't you meet me with another pair

Lord, in my time of dying don't want nobody to cry
All I want you to do is take me when I die
Well, well, well, so I can die easy
Well, well, well, so I can die easy...